How to Cultivate the Resilience We Need Now

Celeste Headlee:
Anne, thank you so much for joining us and making the time.

Anne Grady:
Thank you so much for having me. It’s definitely an interesting time indeed.

Celeste Headlee:
It is. I wonder, have there been any surprises for you in terms of what has become difficult or what you’re grappling with?

Anne Grady:
As a professional speaker and facilitator, I own a small business and I have a team that works with me. So it’s definitely been interesting going from working and speaking at live events in front of thousands and thousands of people to taking everything virtually and working remotely. No, I think everybody’s having to learn a new normal very quickly. So it’s certainly impacted us. Finding ways to pivot and make the best out of situations is really where that skill comes in.

Celeste Headlee:
One of the pieces of advice is I’m trying to give to people is to not sit there refreshing their Twitter feed and their news headlines constantly all day long, hour after hour. But if we’re not doing that, how do you handle with the anxiety and this need to constantly be updated?

Anne Grady:
Well, I think it’s important to stay informed, but there’s a difference between being connected, watching the news and reading all of the headlines to stay informed versus really feeding into a lot of the fear and anxiety around it. So I would suggest really limiting the amount of information you consume. It’s okay to watch the news. It’s okay to get information, but rather than have it on in the background all day long, where you’re constantly being drawn to it and you hear words that are a little bit more fear inducing than we typically would, I would say make sure that you’re looking for objective information. I’ve been a host on many new shows and their goal is to get ratings. So they’re constantly looking for people to provide varied viewpoints and different ways of looking at things.

Anne Grady:
So I would say take everything you’re hearing with that in mind, but also make sure you’re doing your due diligence by looking at objective information. So the CDC has a website set up with every piece of information you hear on the news channels. It’s just presented in a more objective matter of fact way. So if you’re constantly connected, especially if you have kids, they’re absorbing a lot of this in the background. So understand that you do need to stay informed, but there’s a difference from being constantly connected and checking periodically to find updates.

Anne Grady:
I try to stick to twice a day, once in the morning and once at night. But what I would tell folks is give yourself at least 30 minutes after you wake up and before you go to bed without consuming social media or news because… Shawn Achor calls this to your mental moat. Basically, we’re the weakest, cognitively speaking, in our ability to interpret, prioritize, understand information when we’re tired. That’s when we’re susceptible to hitting that panic button. So I would say stay informed, minimize the amount of time you’re spending watching the news, and be deliberate about when you get updates.

Celeste Headlee:
You mentioned having kids in the house. It’s interesting, I’ve heard two different ends of the spectrum. I’ve heard from one mother who was concerned because her kids were basically thinking this was the greatest thing ever. And she thought they were not being respectful and might upset somebody by thinking that they now don’t have to go to school possibly until the fall. And then, of course, I had a dad who was concerned because his 13 year old daughter is constantly refreshing the news and is scared to death. She thinks her grandparents are going to die. So how do we broach this with younger people? How honest should we be?

Anne Grady:
Well, I have two kids, one of whom has severe special needs, mental illness, autism. So when you have kids who have some challenges that adds onto the already high level of anxiety they’re experiencing. But the first thing I would say is don’t be afraid to talk about it. So not talking about it can create more anxiety in children than actually discussing it and being deliberate about the conversations that you’re having. So definitely, at least, explain what’s going on. I would say if you can consume the news first and then summarize and give them facts, that is a more effective way to keep some of the anxiety and the panic down.

Anne Grady:
I would say for young teenagers, even for us, understand that we get emotionally hijacked very quickly. We don’t even realize it’s happening, but the emotional side of our brain works 80,000 times faster than the logical side. So it’s literally impossible to hear a breaking news story with ominous sounding music and dun, dun, dun, the pandemic. It’s really hard to hear that without getting emotionally hijacked. So I would say consume the information and then share it with your kids. Let them lead with questions. So let their questions lead the discussion. You can tell them what you’ve been hearing and then correct misinformation that they might have shared.

Anne Grady:
We’re experiencing with our kids these two drastic ends of the spectrum. So my son is like, “My whole family could die. Everybody I love. I could get sick.” And kids are very egocentric. So their natural tendency is to think about themselves, their immediate family and the people that they know, love and trust. So part of it is reassurance. I’ve got another child who wants to head to a party on a beach for spring break. We’re trying to say, “Okay, let’s cool it. Let’s talk about this.”

Anne Grady:
And probably one of the best paradigm shifts that I have heard was someone saying, “Instead of thinking you’re trying to prevent yourself or your kids from getting the virus, instead assume that you have it. Have your job be not giving it to anybody else,” because it goes from us being in fear to us being able to take action. We know that action helps kids to feel empowered. So let them know what they can do. I watched my 18 year old wash her hands yesterday. She wants to be a nurse. It was just like a quick wash of the hands. Now we’re hearing sing happy birthday and scrub like you would in an operating room. So really educating kids on how to do those things, why to do those things. Things like limiting social interaction is important, but it doesn’t mean that we have to disconnect socially.

Anne Grady:
So kids still need to get energy out. They still need to be able to go outside and play. And luckily wide open spaces are not as risky. So I would say talk to your kids. Be very careful that you are emotionally regulated before you communicate with them. So what we know is that you cannot regulate someone when you’re dysregulated. And if your kids are nervous or anxious and your nervous or anxious, they’re actually feeding off of you. So we do want to give them reassurance. We do want to give them the facts, but we also need to deal with our own level of anxiety before we bring them into that conversation.

Celeste Headlee:
Should we schedule them? Should we try to regulate their days by saying, “Okay, this is the time when we’ll eat breakfast, and then you study this subject, and then you study this study.” Should we create a schedule for our kids and for ourselves?

Anne Grady:
So the answer is twofold. Yes, in that kids and adults need structure and routine. So as someone who’s worked remotely in my home for almost 20 years now, I had to learn very quickly that you still have to get up, you still have to take a shower. I exercise and do my routine, eat breakfast, and then it’s almost like I’m going into a separate office, even though it’s just another room in my home.

Anne Grady:
Kids need the same type of structure. So things like bedtime, meal time, those things need to stay consistent. I don’t know… I think there’s such a thing as being too scheduled because in times like this, everybody’s feeling anxiety. So I think it’s natural to say, “Well, we want to keep everything exactly as it is.” And restrict screen time and restrict all of these things. I think part of the skill of building resilience is flexibility and adaptability. So when I’m dealing with my corporate clients and talking about navigating remote work for them, your kids are experiencing high levels of anxiety along with you. So be a little bit more flexible and allowed there to be less rigidity about some things like screen time.

Anne Grady:
But ultimately, yes, people do better with a schedule. So if you’re waking up and working in pajamas all day, whether you realize it or not, subconsciously that throws you off. I’m not suggesting you have to get all dressed up and put on pantyhose, but if you’re in the mindset of work, then get dressed like you’re going to work.

Anne Grady:
The other thing, though, is that a lot of… The conferences for women are phenomenal at providing leadership strategies. What I would say to those that are leaders, managing other people or even just leading by example, that you’re setting the tone. So people are looking to your behavior, not your words, which means you as a leader, your number one job, all the time, but specifically during times like these, is to create the ideal emotional state for your team. As a parent, it’s to create the ideal emotional environment for your kiddos. So that means that you have to, yes, stick with routines, but also do things you might not normally do. Like take a quick walk, or Skype someone in your family, or reconnect, or play games together so that it’s not all bad. Kids are seeing, oh my gosh, we used to actually talk together before we had all of our screens all the time. Have dinner and breakfast with each other. Reconnect and use this as an opportunity to help your kids be okay with some unknown and some ambiguity.

Celeste Headlee:
I mean, you talked about leadership and you actually have taught sessions for the conferences for women on how to successfully navigate change. Right? How to manage all the uncertainties that are involved with big changes. And this is a huge change. Not just on a personal level, but especially for many people on their work level. So can I walk you through some of the things that are required for a healthy workplace and have you respond to how we keep those in place despite remote work?

Anne Grady:
Absolutely.

Celeste Headlee:
So I’m wondering what do we do about rewards and recognition that are so needed? What do we do about that when people are working from their homes?

Anne Grady:
It’s interesting because nobody ever goes home after a long day of work and says, “I am so tired of being appreciated. If one more person gives me a compliment, I’m quitting.” We don’t do that. In times like these, it’s even more important. I wouldn’t say rewards, but recognition. What we know is that employees are motivated differently. So it’s tough when you have one reward program that’s blanketed for everybody. I would say for those who are working remotely right now, take time to actually pick up the phone and call someone and tell them you appreciate them or send them a quick IM or a text saying, “Hey, just wanted you to know I’m here and I appreciate all of your help.”

Anne Grady:
So recognition and gratitude in times like these is so important because our brain is wired to protect us. It does not like uncertainty and it views it as a threat. So one of the ways that you can calm your brain and take back control, going back into your frontal lobe and getting out of this emotional, reactive place is to provide praise and appreciation. Let people understand and know that you empathize. We’re all in this together. It’s a way to reconnect us to common humanity where you’re having… Rather than just one or two people on your team work remotely, you might be having your entire organization work remotely. Everybody is trying to balance kids running into their office while they’re trying to work. They’re trying to balance going to find toilet paper at the grocery store, which I cannot understand, for the life of me, why it’s so scarce right now.

Celeste Headlee:
Me either.

Anne Grady:
But it’s more important than ever to practice gratitude and not just tell people thank you, but tell them why you are grateful for them. Something very specific and tangible.

Celeste Headlee:
So the next thing is we know that decision fatigue can be really detrimental to people’s morale. We know that having too many choices can exhaust them. And yet we’re in this situation now where people are presented with too many options where they have to make decisions they never had to make anymore. So how do we combat what’s known as the choice overload effect?

Anne Grady:
I love that. Yeah. Choice overload is… And they’ve done research around this. I mean, something as simple as going to the grocery store where they give you samples. They found that offering too many different variations and choice shuts people down.

Celeste Headlee:
Yeah.

Anne Grady:
It happens, but I think knowing our brain and understanding the way it works is helpful. Our brain is expending an incredible amount of energy trying to help us get away from what we face as this threat. And because of that, it’s really easy to get overwhelmed and tired. So I know, for me, I’ve been sitting here working and I’m creating all kinds of content and I keep finding myself distracted. It’s because our brain can’t navigate all of the uncertainty and stay at the top of our productivity game all at the same time. So I would say, in terms of choices, focus on the ones you have control over and try to go with whatever your first gut reaction is. So if you’re thinking, “I need to take this approach,” rather than overthinking it and beating yourself up, understand that you only have control over a finite number of things. The more you can focus on simplifying your decisions, your choices and all of the things around you right now, the more mental energy you will have to expend on what’s most important.

Celeste Headlee:
So then I want to talk about social proof and how we keep up a sense of team or any kind of cohesiveness. How we bottle our behavior based on our coworkers when we’re not in the same place.

Anne Grady:
I think it’s a really great opportunity. So I think we can look at this one of two ways. We can look at this like zombie apocalypse. The world is ending. What are we going to do? Or we can look at this as a way to rethink the way we work. I think the statistic is in five years or 10 years, half of all teams will be working remotely. This makes it even more challenging, but this gives us an opportunity to practice. That’s why it’s so important to stay connected. Not just through email, but through phone calls, through video chats.

Anne Grady:
I work with a lot of technology clients who have really embraced the idea of video. Now I don’t like to be on camera anymore than the next person. But what we know about communication is that, non-verbally, it creates a connection in a way that cannot be created without that face-to-face. So just because you are not working next to somebody in a cubicle does not mean that you cannot build cohesiveness and collaboration. It could be as simple as working on shared documents. It could be having multiple people on a Zoom call and you’re collaborating about a project and working together with it. But also don’t forget the importance of water cooler talk. So do not lose sight of the fact that we all need that idle time to chit chat and be present with each other. Just because we’re working remotely doesn’t take that need away. So you’re not wasting time by having a little small talk and having some conversations around how people are fairing before you jump into a meeting.

Anne Grady:
But most importantly, I would say give people the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent. We’re all really doing the very best we can. It’s easy to let our anxiety and our fear drive that emotion, but if we assume that everybody is making their best effort and we’re all doing the best we can, then we’re more likely to overlook mistakes and some of that negativity and appreciate folks for the results they are getting.

Celeste Headlee:
Does messaging need to change? I mean, I have to imagine that for a lot of people, the rules have to change, the rules of how we do business. I mean, obviously, people’s kids might be in the background of their business call. Their dogs will be… Even just those rules might change as well. But I wonder if the messaging about how to talk about these kinds of things, how to talk with employees and how to talk to them might change just because people are in a heightened state of anxiety.

Anne Grady:
Absolutely. We’ve had multiple clients reach out to us asking if we can work with their leaders to help them keep teams motivated and engaged, how to shift that messaging and how to approach it differently. There are absolutely ways to do it. Understanding that we need to communicate now more than we think we need to. And that sounds kind of odd, but the average person has to be exposed to a message at least seven times before it truly sinks in, in a variety of different mediums. So if everybody was used to having a quick in-person meeting at work and you were able to say something once or twice, it’s important to communicate that in multiple ways over multiple channels so that you’re truly engaging folks. And it’s also about getting their input into what they need. Really making time to get buy-in from your team, from your coworkers and from your family to figure out what would be most helpful.

Anne Grady:
There are some simple tools that you can use. I teach a lot of virtual sessions. When I started doing that, I’d have the dogs run into the office and I’d introduce them as my mascots. But then you start to figure out that not only are they a distraction for the people that you’re working with, they’re more of a distraction for you. We can’t eliminate all of those distractions, but anything you can do to… Like put your microphone on mute when you’re not actually participating in the meeting.

Anne Grady:
But I would also say it’s more important than ever that after conversations, after discussions, there’s a recap. So it’s the lost art of meeting minutes. When you’re done with the conversation, have someone be responsible for recapping what’s happening? By when? Who’s responsible? What actions did we decide upon? I think it’s going to take some trial and error because it’s a new normal, for at least the time being. But it gives us a chance to figure out what works and what doesn’t and to make real time adjustments as long as we’re being patient with each other.

Celeste Headlee:
I spoke to someone earlier today who said that she is getting bombarded with phone calls from coworkers. That her coworkers have heard this advice to use the phone to talk more. You know all those useless emails you sometimes get that you’re like, “Oh, for the love of God, why did you have to email me?” Now, she said they’re becoming phone calls. She finds it really disruptive, partly because she’s at home and there’s a different feeling when you’re at home working, but partly because she just can’t get through her work. How do we sort of navigate this new space in which we’re trying to maintain those social networks and contacts, and yet we’re also literally intruding into people’s homes?

Anne Grady:
Yeah, it’s interesting. I was in the middle of a coaching session with a CEO yesterday working with how to help her team really navigate this, and my mother-in-law called on the other line. So I’m like, “Hey guys, hold on a second. Hi mom.” It’s an interesting place to be because our worlds are colliding. I’m one of those who say balances is BS. There’s no such thing as balance. The goal should not be balance. The goal should be identifying our priorities, spending the majority of our time there without apologizing. But when you are in the situation, you are literally spinning all kinds of plates hoping they don’t fall to the ground.

Anne Grady:
So I would say talk to people about their preferred communication method and their preferred frequency. So you might have someone who doesn’t enjoy the phone calls and that’s tough for them, or if they’re in a noisy environment, if they have kids running around, then that can create more stress and pressure. So create a communication agreement with your team. How do you want to be shown recognition and appreciation? What’s the best way to give you virtual feedback? How would you like to be communicated with? Is email easier for you? Would you rather I IM you or text you?

Anne Grady:
So it’s really personalizing your approach. Rather than the golden rule where we treat everybody like we want to be treated, it’s the platinum rule. Right? Communicate with people the way they need to be communicated with. Understanding that there has to be some flexibility, and there will be times when you have to make real time adjustments. It might not be as comfortable for some than it is for others. But I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the video of a conference call in real life where you’ve got dogs barking in the background and you’ve got people getting locked out of calls. I think it’s giving each other a little latitude and flexibility right now, but also personalizing your approach when you can.

Celeste Headlee:
So is there a way that people can begin to reclaim some sense of agency? I have to imagine that some of the stress people are feeling is caused not just in their work, but also just in general over this feeling like they have no control. That they’re worried about their loved ones, they’re worried about themselves, they’re worried about the country, they’re worried about the world. And most of those are things they can do nothing about. How do we reclaim a feeling of control?

Anne Grady:
I saw an interesting [iagram 00:25:37] and it said fear can stand for one of two things. It can stand for forget everything and run, or it can stand for face everything and rise. I think that one of the most important things we can do is recognize that fear, anxiety and ambiguity are okay. Most of us try to run from uncomfortable emotions. We try to numb them, getting through them as quickly as we can. But you can’t microwave anxiety. You can’t microwave grief, you can’t microwave fear. You have to be able to sit in those for a little bit. It’s actually easier for your brain to navigate a real threat that you know than an uncertain one that you don’t. And so your brain is doing everything it can to create predictable patterns so that you can be certain. Right now there are no predictable patterns.

Anne Grady:
So you might find yourself more tired or getting tired more easily or earlier. You might find more decision fatigue. You might find more anxiety. Those are all very normal things, but simply acknowledging that that’s what you’re feeling and know that a feeling is fleeting. Emotion is just that. It doesn’t mean you have to act or behave a certain way because of that feeling.

Anne Grady:
So it’s sitting there and going, “Okay, my brain is trying to protect me.” Part of that protection mechanism is something called a negativity bias. A million years ago, if you were running through a forest or a field and there was a saber tooth tiger charging at you and there was a beautiful field of flowers right next to you, your brain would give way more time and attention to the tiger because the flowers aren’t going to eat you.

Anne Grady:
So your brain has evolved to overestimate threats and underestimate opportunities. Meaning our brain is like Velcro to negative and Teflon to positive. If you’ve ever gotten a performance review or you’re told you do nine things exceptionally well, but you have one opportunity for growth. Well, when you’re laying in bed at night ruminating, that’s where your brain goes. “I’ll give you an opportunity for growth. Let me tell you something about you that you don’t know.” We just start laying there telling ourselves these stories. I think it’s important to understand that there’s a difference between the emotion and the story you’re telling yourself about it. It’s okay to feel anxiety. What’s not okay is when we start judging that feeling. “I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not right. It doesn’t make any sense.” Be kind and patient with yourself. There’s no good or bad feeling. They’re just fleeting emotions. If you can start to embrace those instead of run from them and not judge them as good or bad or right or wrong, but just observe what they are and where you feel that in your body, that’s using mindfulness as a way to practice self care, to overcome challenges and to use some of this uncertainty to get stronger.

Celeste Headlee:
I want to stay with this for just a little bit. A book that I wrote about, the fact that we’re over driven, overly focused on productivity and all try to hustle, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, just came out. I think a lot of people are going to struggle with having been suddenly shifted to neutral. We haven’t set up our lives in a way for people to have something to do at home, right? We don’t have hobbies anymore. Most of the things everybody does are centered around either their kids or their work, their career and their branding. It’s almost all based on some kind of productivity. So any advice for people who are at home and some of the anxiety is simply caused by the fact that they don’t know what to do?

Anne Grady:
Right. I can tell you, I don’t want to appear hypocritical. I am a very goal oriented person who’s always been naturally focused on efficiency, how do I get more done faster and accomplish my goals. What we’re learning about the way that we work and about our brain is that in an effort to do that, we actually make ourselves less productive. This is a time when we have a unique opportunity that we have not had before. We’ve lost the art of being still. We’ve lost the art of being alone with our feelings without engaging in social media all day long. We’ve lost the art of knowing that we are not human doings, we are human beings. So this is a perfect time to pick up a hobby, right? It’s one of those things where you can start painting, you can start drawing, you can take a walk. I started doing a YouTube channel, Yoga with Adrian. She’s actually based in Austin where I live. While I haven’t had the chance to meet her, you feel like you know her. It’s just this with quick yoga routine that you can do each day to recenter yourself. But this is the time to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness doesn’t mean you’re sitting in a full lotus position, finding your zen eating tofu. Mindfulness means you’re learning to be still with your thoughts. One way to do that is through meditation.

Anne Grady:
Now, being a goal oriented, achievement oriented, fast paced person, to me meditation was the opposite of a good time. It felt like I was playing whack-a-mole with my thoughts. I tried to breathe, and then wonder what we were having for dinner or why my leg itched or why I forgot to email you back. What research has told us is that that is normal and that is what your brain will naturally do. Your brain doesn’t stop, but every time you bring yourself back to the present moment, you’re actually training your brain to direct its attention where you want it to go rather than where it will naturally go on its own.

Anne Grady:
So what that means is our gray matter in our brain is the part of our brain that controls emotional regulation and attention management. When you are meditating, you are training your brain and bringing it back. So that means if you’re naturally one of those super, uber productive people that are wondering why in the world you’re not getting a ton done or how to get it done, take a couple deep breaths, reset your nervous system. Instead of being [inaudible 00:32:09], I think the real goal is to focus on the outcome, not the activity.

Anne Grady:
We’re used to being busy, being busy. In an office environment where we’re constantly interrupted and bombarded, that happens. But work will expand to fill the amount of time you have. So rather than focus on activity, focus on the outcome. What is the one goal that you need to accomplish? And what are one or two action steps you can take to move yourself closer toward that?

Anne Grady:
But it’s also okay to sit back and do be still and model that behavior for your kids. Have a discussion around meal time around something that you’re grateful for or share your quirkiest quarantine strategy. Really try to think of ways that you can stay connected even in the face of social distance. But it’s a real opportunity for everyone in the world to take a moment and reevaluate how we work and the pace at which we work and whether that’s serving us or not.

Celeste Headlee:
Is there any joy, do you think? Are there opportunities for joy here?

Anne Grady:
Absolutely. I think there’s more opportunities than we could possibly even realize. I live in Austin, but I very rarely just go walk downtown. I very rarely just go see things. So yesterday, I went to all these quirky murals and took pictures. The I love you so much taco sign or-

Celeste Headlee:
I also love tacos.

Anne Grady:
Who doesn’t love tacos?

Celeste Headlee:
Right.

Anne Grady:
It’s absolutely important to make time for joy. Make that a goal. Play board games. Reconnect. Go back to basics. Help other people. That’s one of the greatest things you can do. It’s the highest momentary increase in serotonin and dopamine than any exercise tested. We are on a Nextdoor app. So we see what’s going on in the neighborhood. I’m seeing people offer to go grocery shopping for the elderly or people offering their toilet paper. Not only does it make you feel good to have someone do something nice for you, it’s actually called a helper’s high. It makes you and your family feel better knowing that you’re making a positive impact on others.

Anne Grady:
So absolutely. Yeah, there are ways to find joy. We just have to do it differently. And we’re used to finding it at happy hour in a bar. So have a happy hour Zoom call. Right? We’re used to going out for runs. So do plank offs with your kids. Who can hold a plank the longest? Or who can do the most squats? There are ways that you can get creative. I’ve seen lots of articles online about fun activities to do with your kids while you’re trapped in the house. But what I want people to know is you don’t have to stay trapped in your house. This isn’t a quarantine to your home, this just means that you shouldn’t be going to crowded places or public places. You can still go for a walk. You can still go enjoy the outdoors. You can still go with your dog. Sounds simple, even talking to a plant has been found to uplift our spirit and make a measurable difference in the serotonin and dopamine that we have.

Celeste Headlee:
And my plants like to listen to me anyway.

Anne Grady:
And they don’t talk back [inaudible 00:35:37], except for mine. It keeps dying. But other than that, there are lots of ways to find joy. Just make that a priority.

Celeste Headlee:
Anne Grady, thank you so much. I hope you stay well.

Anne Grady:
I hope you do as well. I just want to give everybody just a quick heads up. If you want to learn more about your own resilience, you can get a free resilience self-assessment by texting 555-888 and chat the word “strength.” So by texting 555-888 and writing the word strength, you’ll get a resilience self-assessment, resources, and a bunch of things that you can do to stay resilient in light of the uncertainty that we’re facing. But it’s a choice. It’s one you have to make multiple times throughout the day. I’m so glad I was part of being able to share that.

Celeste Headlee:
Yeah, I think your message is probably going to help a lot of people. I really appreciate your time.

Anne Grady:
Absolutely. My pleasure.